Being Nice Isn't All That Pleasant

I was once a nice person.

For the first half of my life, I did what I could to be nice. It wasn’t hard, because niceness was simple - it meant keeping quiet.

In keeping quiet I followed these guidelines: Don’t express your opinion if it is contrary to someone else’s, don’t speak up about something that’s bothering you, and don’t make anyone else uncomfortable even if they are doing something wrong.

I have a feeling that many of us were like that as children. Before we form our own opinions, before we have strong decision-making ability, it is common to keep quiet because we don’t know for sure what we know.

When we are uncertain, we don’t want to look dumb by opening our mouths and saying something that could be met with disapproval or ridicule. And there are lots of chances to be ridiculed or discounted when we are youthful and still learning how to think for ourselves.

But often, keeping quiet continues into adulthood, when we are faced with many choices and trials, and we need to make firm decisions about how our lives will be lived. Without the ability to stand up for what we believe is right, we are battered about by the needs and whims of others.

I looked up the word “nice” on www.dictionary.com, and found that the word originated between 1250 and 1300, and meant “foolish, stupid, silly, simple, ignorant or incapable.” How did such a word get changed to mean something pleasant?

Perhaps the pleasantry comes from the fact that niceness does not challenge anyone. Now that I know the true meaning of the word, I am glad I’m no longer a nice person. I would rather be smart, opinionated, and capable.

In my opinion, niceness is part of the reason people put up with abuse in relationships and jobs. It’s why we sometimes go along with what others want, even if it hurts us in some way.

Of course we can still be kind, compassionate, and loving. We can care about others while still expressing ourselves.

One of my sons has a t-shirt that says, in part, “War Sucks.” I don’t know if he really has thought about that, or if he just likes the shirt, but I want my children to be able to speak their minds when they have opinions. We all need to. I also think war sucks, and I am angry about the deceit, and that the cost of the war so far for Lenawee County is more than $102 million.

I’m unhappy that profit has become more important than integrity in a lot of businesses. I hate being lied to. And I won’t keep quiet about injustice.

As author Anna Quindlen says, “We want things to be easy for our children, and we know from sad experience that the world can be unkind to girls who do not please, who speak out, who go their own way. But we know from experience, too, that the role of the good girl can be a hollow one, with nothing at the center except other people's expectations where your character might have been.”

I’m not nice anymore. I’d rather be authentic, passionate, and outspoken. Here’s to character and the qualities it can inspire – may it thrive.

Published in The Daily Telegram, Adrian, Michigan on February 3, 2007