This is an adult subject, to address people who act like children. If you are offended or in denial about what goes on between adults and their minds and their bodies, I advise you to stop reading now.
Sex. Intercourse. Getting it on. Hooking up. Etc., etc., etc. A lot of terms for the act of two people physically "connecting" that can have nothing to do with their investment in each other or their knowledge of whose body they are sharing.
I'm no novice, and no, this is not my first rodeo. I understand that there is a climate of casualness regarding sex in our society, even though we try to push a level of guilt and piety on young people to keep them from indulging in sexual activities. We don't want teens getting it on, but often we adults think it's funny in a film or television show when the characters are constantly talking about sex: how to get it, how to do it, how to attract those they want to have it with. Can we BE any more hypocritical and confusing to our youth? Never mind, I don't want to know the answer to that.
I have come to terms with the fact that I am now middle-aged, and that most of the men I might be interested in dating and forming a relationship with are also middle-aged, unless some younger guy finds me incredibly attractive and doesn't want to have a family. Hey, it could happen! Anyway, back to the topic: what is it with the shortcuts in getting to the "intimate" part of a dating situation?
I can't speak for anyone else, but I have a hunch that I'm not the only woman who has had this happen. I meet a man online, through a dating site or on Facebook. We e-mail, or chat, or even meet in person. Very often, and although I haven't done any exacting research on this, I'd say 75% of the time, the man will bring up the subject of sex the FIRST TIME we chat or meet. As if he needs a satisfactory answer to his question about what he might have to look forward to BEFORE he decides if he is interested in getting to know me.
I don't know about you, my single sisters, but that line of questioning leaves me cold. Here is the dilemma: If I go along with the guy's wishes and answer his questions, I am selling short my personality and my desire to have an emotional connection, which are important prerequisites to having any kind of enjoyable sex life with a partner. If a man, ESPECIALLY a middle-aged man who should have some life wisdom, can't already understand that who I am as a person is the first thing he needs to know before he would ever enjoy being intimate with me, then there's possibly no hope for him as a relationship prospect. How do you explain that to someone who's already asked you about sex before you even know each other's last names?
The second part of the dilemma is that if I don't answer the man's questions, if I say (and I have said this) that I don't discuss sex with a man unless he's someone I'm already dating and who I know I like a whole awful lot, then I am labeled as a frigid woman. It may not be expressed out loud, but that's usually the attitude I get back from a guy. Actually, that's the attitude a lot of men my age have - I have often heard statements from them that "most women your age don't like sex." Really? Is this a news flash, or are you possibly the most selfish, self-centered man on the planet who has no idea what would get a mature woman interested in you, sexually or otherwise? I think asking the "sex question" at first introduction answers the question about your self-centeredness, doesn't it?
This reminds me of how children act when they want something. They are often impatient. They don't use logic, or think about what THEY need to do to receive what they want. They don't think deeper than the surface of their desires. They want, want, want, and their little minds cannot grasp that other people have feelings and desires that possibly do not mesh with theirs exactly when they want them to. They are selfish and self-centered because they are children, and their parents are charged with the task of teaching them that the world does not revolve around them and that they need to care for others, and show that care genuinely, in order to receive all the delightful things that love and compassion give us.
Where did this process go wrong? Did the 75% of men who approach me as partner material (and who fail at being unselfish) somehow miss out on the idea of spending some time developing relationships? Or have they given up on that due to their attachment to the past, which they believe has taught them to grab what they want quickly, because the world is full of shit and they just want something good for fifteen minutes, once in a while?
I expect that teenagers, in their youth and enthusiasm for life, will want to get it on with each other. Adults don't want them to. They want kids to tame their passions and lust, and they downplay the idea of young love. I understand not wanting our youth to have babies before they are ready and capable of taking care of them, or to get diseases, but this mixed message we give them is really screwed up, and obviously the majority of adults are really screwed up, too, so why should teens listen to us? We adults are the ones who cheapen the act of passion between two people. I'm sure some teens do, too, but they don't have the years of cynicism, disappointment and anger that fuels the selfish grab for sex without love. We are failing them and we are failing ourselves. Truthfully, we know in our hearts what feels right, and it's not just a physical sensation, is it?
Recently, a man I have known since childhood messaged me on Facebook and asked when we were going on a date. I was flattered, but told him that my liberal feminist personality might not fit well with his conservative views. He said that didn't matter, then he invited me to his house for dinner, or to just "get down." I asked him what he meant by that, and he said he meant to "rub bellies."
What a charmer. Really? Is that all he wants from me? I took a pass, and told him that was insulting. I will continue to take a pass on men whose main goal is to get some physical satisfaction, because here's the thing: with that, it doesn't matter what woman they choose. They just want the body. And I, and you, and all of us, are much, much more than that.
