Understanding

I am the kind of person who wants to understand things.

I sometimes find answers in my search for understanding, but a lot of times I am left wondering, “What were they thinking?”

For example, in my job search I have filled out a lot of applications. These documents are a basic way for companies to gather information on a person, but sometimes the space provided makes me wonder if optometrists design them so folks will buy more glasses.

One application asked for “Employment History.” That included company name, address, etc., but the spaces for that information were 3/8 of an inch tall and two inches wide. I can print quite small, but unfortunately I can’t read anything that has to be printed so tiny. I hope whatever I wrote will make a good impression. And that whoever reads it has a magnifying glass.

Another application issue is the “Wage Desired” category. This is a tough one. Why do they ask that, and how are you supposed to answer it? If you write down a smaller number in hopes of having more of a chance of getting hired, they get you at a reduced price and you don’t have a right to be unhappy about it, no matter how much you complain to your friends later.

If you shoot higher and put down what you REALLY want in the way of pay, they may toss your papers on a reject pile, assuming that you want too much and you wouldn’t be happy working for them. By the way, to the employer on whose application I wrote “$9.99,” I think I was delirious from all the miniscule writing and I hope you have a sense of humor. Think of it as a retail-merchandising tactic, okay?

Most advice I have received on the wage desirability question says that writing “negotiable” on your application is your best bet. The ideal time to discuss wages is after the interviewer likes what he or she sees and you have decided you’d like the job, and then you two can have a discussion about how you will be compensated for your vastly wonderful skills.

Besides, the word “desire” is not appropriate on a job application. I have never heard anyone say, “I desire $6.95 per hour.” That would sound weird and I would urge that person to get a life and find some more pleasurable things to desire, like loaded nachos with sour cream and guacamole, beach vacations, apple pie alamode, affection, and comfortable women’s shoes that look “hot.”

Another thing that puzzles me is why they make Wheat Thins (insert trademark sign here) in family size boxes. Don’t they know that I will open that box and eat them continually until there is nothing left except a few broken pieces and crumbs in the bottom? I am part of a family, but do not qualify as a “family” myself. (Although continuing to eat large quantities of salty wheat snack crackers COULD push me into the weight category of a “group”.) They should accurately call them “Wheat Thins Lovers” size boxes. My family never gets any of them, so why include them in the name?
Speaking of shoes, I recently went shoe shopping (not a fun experience for anyone with me, because I am really picky, but I enjoyed it). Why does anyone think that wearing those stretchy footie things protects you from the nasty foot gunk that a previous shopper might have left behind? If air and water can pass through them easily, can’t fungi? And how is a woman supposed to visualize herself looking smashing in a pair of shoes while wearing ankle-high nylon socks?

I may never get the answers to these and many more questions, but I will continue on my quest to gather mostly useless information that may lead to more column material. Hey, a girl’s gotta be able to afford those comfortable, hot shoes somehow. I think I’ll put the Wheat Thins away now, and maybe take a nap. All this thinking has worn me out, and I have to be prepared for more tiny handwriting. I’m getting quite good at it. Perhaps I can put that down as one of my “skills” on the next application. Every little bit helps!

Published in The Daily Telegram, Adrian, Michigan, June 2007.